You Don’t Have To Be The Perfect Wife. You Are Still Worthy.
I’m coming to terms with many years of long held trauma and discord around my sexuality. I crave deeper love, intimacy and pleasure with my own body and with my spouse. I know that there are other newlywed Brides out there that are wondering some of the same things. I want to share some of my process with you in hope to create more space for dialogue. I know that the way in is to address the obstacles. Talking through some of these experiences has, at times, been very challenging. Feeling exposed and vulnerable in ways that I didn’t expect. I’m learning to let the embarrassment and the flight reaction wash over me as I remind myself that I am safe. The desire to run is the silence that’s been embedded into the 🧬 dna of women in every part of my family. And that silence ends with me.
It’s funny when I was younger, I never imagined being married - like a whole Wife - and feeling emotionally disheveled around sex at times. Being a Wife meant having it altogether or having reached some pinnacle of healing that meant I finally deserved to be loved. I had gotten it right. *insert eye roll*. I’m grateful that over the last few years I’ve given myself more grace in my approach to this concept of marriage and life partnership - to actually include all of me as a human vs. a machine designed for constant pleasure and crippling compassion, i.e. boundaries, spoken desires and true reciprocity.
Being a newlywed, I know even more now, that this rigid definition couldn’t be further from the truth. There’s no real way to be with someone everyday and not love them in the mess and the miracles. No one is ever going to be static and that growth at times can look messy. But you are still worthy. The right partner will know this inherently.
So as I bring myself home to remembering the truth that we have created around marriage, I have found more courage to unpack some old stories, experiences and beliefs about sex that I’ve avoided. Things that I’ve avoided mostly in hopes to manage the disappointment of my mother. But as I learned several years ago, you cannot stop yourself from breathing in order to save someone else.
I relate sexual shame to the story of Adam + Eve picking up the fruit in the garden. I intentionally say both of them cause’ we not about to let History keep vilifying Eve like Adam was a victim. THEY picked up the fruit and immediately experienced shame about their bodies, where such disconnection did not exist prior to. We have to learn where we are subconsciously not only picking up shame (like the fruit) but allowing ourselves to savor the lie of shame to the point that it becomes your truth.
Over the years Sexual Shame has showed up for me like:
- Not acknowledging physical triggers around sex
- Painful penetrative sex from unaddressed trauma
- Developing benign Ovarian Cysts
- Not feeling comfortable to talk about my sexual identity in fear of abandonment or violence
The list could go on but you understand my point.
what are some of the ways that sexual shame has showed up for you?
We have to talk about our intimate history.
And the conversation has to continue even into marriage. Making space for these conversations can only keep us feeling good in our partnerships. Trust that there is space for you to be nourished too. More soon.
photo by Amanda Clare