Our "sexy" often times feels ripped away from us when we are in relationships that cloud our ability to really see ourselves. Here are some things I've been thinking about in terms of reclaiming our sexy in love.
1. Demonstrating a high tolerance for pain (emotionally or physically) is not a requirement in order to experience love. Look at your threshold and then bring it down 50%.
2. Sometimes you *need* to register something "little or petty" as a major boundary violation and end a relationship. Things that you would normally let slide or work through. You might want to overlook it but look back at your relationship patterns and see where things have gone wrong. It's never the big blow ups that mark the end, it's those little moments that build up to the blow up that tell the full story. Honor yourself enough to dead something in it's tracks when you feel the first hint of discomfort.
3. There are times when no amount of apologies will ever course correct some situations or change who a person has become in your story. It feels painful to let them back in or to continue working at times because you aren't being truthful with yourself about who they are now. This isn't about forgiveness. This about wanting to continue to love someone in particular way that forces you into spiritually bypassing the emotional work of letting them go. Spirit will always win. Even if the Universe has to orchestrate the grandest drama ever to get you to flip out "randomly" one day so it look like your fault intially. The reason behind that is to help you gain distance (immediately) and perspective (eventually). The Universe is always trading up, never down. Sometimes we just need a little assistance in clearing the space so the "better" can come through.
4. Relationships aren't about fixing but healing. But you aren't in it to heal them, you're in it to heal yourself. Focus on your own work. This doesn't mean that you're so broken and damaged that you just need to learn how to love people better. No sometimes the healing is for the sake of course correcting your own pain. Learning where you give up your power in the first moments. Learning how to speak up. Learning how to say no and sticking to it. Learning how to leave. Learning how to ask for more. Learning how to let go. Learning how to show up. I can't say it enough, your soul is not a sacrifice for someone else's healing. You will never be asked to lay yourself on the altar aka sacrafice your safety, your nourishment, your desires, your voice in order to build someone else up. That is not love, that is co-dependency.
5. Forgiving other people is like time travel, you go back to the moment of the transgression and you take that piece of your spirit that was ripped out of you back from the person who hurt you. Forgiveness literally pieces you back together. Some of us have allowed people to take pieces of our spirits with them into the grave. Forgiveness brings your mind and your heart back into the present/reality.
6. Your secrets will kill you. But first they will paralyze and slowly drain the life out of your relationship. When violations happen in our relationships emotionally and/or physically, we have to work to not hide them. It may feel honorable to "protect" your partner or even yourself but hodling onto those secrets means eventually everyone will die in the process. No relationship is ever worth it. Talk to a friend. Talk to a counselor. Talk to someone.